HOOKED ON A FEELING

I remember not so many years ago, days of sitting in my beautiful Victorian apartment in Capital Hill, one of those gorgeous bursting with character because it’s so old apartments. On those scorching 90 degree days when I was saturated in sweat in my anything but 21^st  century old school “I don’t believe in AC “apartments, was when I really did regret not taking that boring, but remodeled and updated apartments in a little sub division that my parents felt I would be much safer if I lived there. Most of us develop coping mechanisms when having to deal with a situation that isn’t really convenient. My coping mechanism was a combination of 3 things: a pint of ice cream, a bottle of Ketel One, and all 6 seasons of Sex and the City on DVD.  All 3 coincided with each other at a crucial point in the day of events, first came the decision of which season I wanted to watch, even though I could quote pretty much every line. Around 3 episodes deep Carrie and I would have cosmopolitans together, and I would cry every time Big would break her heart or when she stupidly cheated and eventually gave up Aiden. Each time showed that the “bad boy” always hooks the heart but never reels in, and the “nice guy” is left begging you to marry him. How does a girl know when that guy is the one? Does true love even truly exist in this divorce driven society that teaches younger generations that marriage is like a car, replaceable when the mind strikes a fancy for change and can be upgraded to your specifications. With this not so promising fork in the road that we call marriage, one would think with my ignorance gone that there would be no way I could believe in actual true love.  This is when the ice cream came in to medicate the headache from the tears and perhaps the vodka. Creating a joyful numbness and break from the exhaustion from crying for Carrie. I figured with all of her heart ache, my no AC problem was frivolous and minuscule.

I am a rare girl who believes that the soul’s counterpart really does exist in the universe for one to find. Love that feels like that home run, over the fence, reach for the stars, make you want to throw up, let you eat the last piece of cheese cake kind of love. Sounds ridiculous but even you have to admit, it does make you smile to believe that it could be possible. My latest and present relationship definitely has those days when my heart and mind truly recognize the bliss that the universe has blessed me with and the days that make me question. It didn’t start out like a fairy tale, but in every way all the hard times have made it that much more worthy of pulling through. My relationship has definitely gone through all the tribulations that you could imagine but yet it is perfect and has happily ever after written all over it for me. I keep juggling with my conclusions on love and how to tell if you have met the one. As any person of an analytical mind would do for research, one has to remember all the events that have shaped you and your partner’s love and respect for each other excelling to the next milestone on each others path.  Of course all data collected has to be compared against other test subjects. One thing that was the most common conclusion was the fact that I could remember in detail all of the crucial memories of our life together that in the past I never really bothered to notice or care. I remember the first time I saw him and the heat I felt in my cheeks when I shook his hand. I remember our first real conversation when I realized how smart and funny he is. I remember our first kiss in the basement playing bubble hockey and dancing, all becoming a blur in the moment he kissed me, making seconds feel like eternity. I remember having to acknowledge sometimes timing is everything and if you love something, you have to let it go and if it comes back it was meant to be.  I remember seeing him again after time had matured our hearts and our minds, which gave us the opportunity to really give in to each other. I remember that feeling in the gut of my stomach telling me to trust in my love and it would be requited. I had always believed that he was my Aiden and that if I chose to not run away and take a leap of faith that our relationship would thrive and prosper. I knew that a man who actually made me crave everything about him was probably the closest thing I was going to get, to my vision of what love is. I also believe that the soul holds onto the precious memories that will be used in the future when looking back on the patterns in your life. I am always asking the question, is forever even conceivable? I was raised with the notion that believing in love was undecided as well as forever, was however long my attention span could focus long enough to even try to love and be loved. I try everyday to let the little things go, and with someone who you really care about, you don’t even notice the little things. One learns to treasure and never take each other for granted. No one ever said it would be easy but yet if it was, wouldn’t you be bored? Love does make people crazy but yet it is that passion and spontaneity that will carry a relationship for years. An anniversary shouldn’t be a testament of each others timeline together, but should be a renewal of each others adoration, respect, and love. I want to wake up each morning and know that you are a blessing in my life and that each moment is forever. So I love you today, two weeks, two years, ten years, or till my entity is gone from this world. I believe that our love grows, not just plentiful in the beginning but for all the days we have.  I believe in meant to be, including the hard times, the great times, and the in between.  I am used to losing everything important, if my head wasn’t attached, I would most likely lose that too. However if I were to lose my head, my heart would still know that I’m hooked on that feeling.